A/N: This was written as a back and forth over email. I think we were both trying to write the other into a corner. The result is rather hilarious.

Deliberately not beta'd for effect. If something is misspelled or wrong grammatically? Assume it's on purpose.

Men like Lt. Col. John Sheppard were not supposed to have crushes on men like Dr. Rodney McKay. But he did.

Men like John Sheppard were supposed to like women like Lt. Cadman, or Dr. Weir, or hell even Teyla. He wasn't supposed to be attracted to the snarky sparkle that emanated from McKay's auora.

But he was. And that was a problem. How was John supposed concentrate in the field with McKay around?

He had tried everything. He wore a rubber band around his wrist and snapped it every time he thought of McKay. But he thought of McKay so much that his wrist turned red and swelled up and then Dr. Weir asked what was wrong with it so John had to put on a black wristband to hide the marks.

He tried kissing Teyla but she spanked him with her sticks and shook her head at him. He even tried to talk about women with Ford but Ford just blushed and shrugged.

John was so scared for Rodney during The Storm and The Eye. Yes, he flipped out because he thought Koyla had killed Weir, but he was REALLY worried about Koyla killing Rodney.

If Rodney died then John would have to use his brain connection with Atlantis to destroy it! The rage would just be too high. Thankfully it never came to that and Rodney was okay. (except for that cut on his arm! John was also mad at Carson for getting hit over the head and not patching Rodney up properly, Rodney always should come first.)

John liked Atlantis, he really hadn't wanted to destroy her. But if she had been the cause of his Rodney dying! He would have had to.

Chaya was John's first real breakthrough in his quest not to fall in love with McKay. (which was stupid, cause, well how could you NOT fall in love with McKay?)

As soon as he saw Chaya's perfect teeth and winning smile he knew this would be the woman to turn his thoughts away from Rondey's ever prominent, sexy, amazing nipples. Chaya was pretty, and kissing her wasn't bad, and heck, that glowy ascended sex stuff was pretty dang amazing BUT Rodney got mad at him! And that was a side effect he hadn't really expected.

He really didn't like having Rodney mad at him but it just made him love the sultry scientist more! Then, the worst thing ever happened! Some woman named Allina liked Rodney! She was definitely wiling to get Rodney in her bed, the hussy, and it made John smoking mad, this time!

Rodney said he was going to bed and John was totally jealous and nasty and asked whose bed Rodney was going to because John really wanted it to be HIS bed but he suspected that Rodney was really hot for Allina.

He was so so so proud when Rodney came out to help him and shot his whole gun into the really old Wraith. John started to think, hey, maybe Rodney likes me, too!

But he knew it could not be. Rodney always talked about this woman named Samantha Carter. John hated her! She had all Rodney's love and she didn't even want it. What a bitch!

And then the next week, John disobeyed another direct order, the second in his life! All because Elizabeth hadn't wanted to let him out of the gym to help Rodney! But John was not to be deterred and he almost sacrificed his own life to save the city. And Rodney.

John's favorite memory of Rodney was the time Rodney let him shoot him and throw him off the balcony. That showed trust and love. Rodney wouldn't have let him do that if he didn't trust John.

John saddest memory is when the same device that let Rodney show John he trusted him (Rodney would never tell John something like that, he had to have to have a hard candy shell to protect his soft gooey interior) also almost killed him. That was bad.

John knew that he would have to do something. He could not afford to be distracted on other planets or even in Atlantis! Teyla already beat him at sticks every chance she got.

One day after they worked out, he sat down beside her and said, "Teyla, I'm in trouble and I need help." He knew that Teyla would help him because she smiled at him whenever he tripped over something because he was watching Rodney's pert bottom.

After John explained her the whole unrequited love/lust problem he was having with Rodney. Teyla looked at him and said, "I know John. I am wise in the way of men loving men. Many male warriors among my people find it hard to be out in the wilderness hunting for long periods of time without falling in manly love with each other. While there are women around here Rodney is the only one that is truly your equal and therefore a perfect choice for your mate. I understand that is a taboo among your people for one man to lie with another man but among the people of Athos it is as common as woman/man relationships. I shall set up a meeting with you and one of our warriors in a manly love relationship and he can advise you."

John wasn't so sure about meeting Teyla's friend but as soon as the man walked into the room, he changed his mind. Fabius was tall with broad shoulders and very handsome features. The man that he loved was a lucky man indeed!

John wasn't worried, though. Fabius didn't have Rodney's adorable nipples and his ass, while firm, was not nearly as round and grabbable as Rodney's.

"Teyla tells me that you feel manly love for another on your team, Major Sheppard," he said to John. "It has long been our way for warriors to join in physical union when in the thrill of the hunt. I can answer any questions you may have about the love you feel your teammate. What is it you wish to know?"

John was very happy as he had many questions and Fabius appeared to have many answers for him.

"I don't even know where to begin with the questions, I have so many." John wracked his brain trying to think of which question of Manly Love he would ask first.

"I think I can help you. Our warriors have a ritual we do before going into battle to help clear our minds. Maybe if I walked you through that ritual it might clear up your mind and you can focus on which questions to ask me."

John smiled, this sounded like a good idea. "Okay."

Fabius stood up and started stripping. "First, you must shed your body of all wordly goods. It is only when we are one with nature and the earth can we truly be clear in the mind."

Wow! Fabius really did have a rockin' body, John just hoped his measured up in comparison and didn't bring shame once Fabius saw it.

He pulled his t-shirt over his head and leaned down to unbuckle his thigh strap. Fabius nodded approvingly as John finished taking the rest of his clothes off and kicked them into a pile.

"The object of your Manly Desire is fortunate indeed," Fabius said. "Your body will bring him much pleasure and comfort. We will study the sacred book after the relaxation ritual."

"Cool," John said, happy that Fabius found him worthy. He wondered what nifty things Fabius was going to teach him to do with Rodney and he found himself distracted already.

"In order to fight well without distraction," Fabius told him, "you must release the desire and lust you have been harboring for your man." Fabius wrapped one hand around his own turgid manhood. "We do this by finding our own most pleasurable sensations."

"Oh, we do this, too," John said, glad that he wasn't the only one sporting wood. "We call it jerking off." He found himself watching Fabius as Fabius found his own most pleasurable sensations and soon was sweaty and moaning as he thought of his manly lover.

John stroked his own member and thought of Rodney, of his beautiful long-fingered hands and his mouth that was just made for kissing and for sucking, and his nipples and his ass. He pretended that Rodney was there and that it was his hand on John's love organ as John started to cum.

"What the hell is -- John?"

John and Fabius turned around to see Rodney standing in the doorway. His face was bright red and he looked like he was ready to cry.

Before John could utter a word Fabius looked between John and Rodney. "Colonel Sheppard - is this the object of your manly desire?"

John didn't answer right away, he was too busy staring at Rodney, trying to think of a way to make this situation better. Rodney looked horrified and like he might bolt at any second, and John really wasn't in a position to go after him, given his current state of nudity and arousal.

"Colonel Sheppard?" John could tell Fabius was about to repeat the question so John had to say *something.*

"Rodney, come in. Fabius, thank you for all you have shown me, but it might be a good idea for you to get dressed and leave now." John kept his eyes trained on Rodney to see what he would do. John just didn't know how he would live with himself if Rodney bolted. Thankfully, Fabius was a pretty perceptive guy and started getting dressed and prepared to leave the room.

"Colonel Sheppard, I hope you find everything you are looking for with this man, and if not, you know where to find me on the mainland. I would very much welcome the start of manly relations with you." And with that Fabius naked aroused John and horrified wrecked Rodney alone in the room.

"Rodney, I can explain," John said quickly, pulling on his pants.

"You're naked in a room with a man who wants to start manly relations with you what's to explain?" Rodney asked, turning around and walking out the door. His face was bright red and John felt alarmed.

"No, no, it's not what it looks like," John said, running after Rodney. He caught up easily and grabbed Rodney's shoulders. "I -- I want to start manly relations with *you*," he said. "But I have never had sex with a man because I am in the airforce and don't ask, don't tell means I could be thrown in Leavenworth."

"Why did you never tell me?" Rodney asked, hope shining through the tears in his eyes. Then he hung his head. "Oh. It wasn't worth the risk, I'm sure. I don't want you to get sent back. And that Athosian warrior has a much better body than I do."

"Of course you're worth the risk," John cried, shaking Rodney a little. "And Fabius is attractive but it's your perky visible nipples and round, luscious ass that I think about all the time. I want you. I just wanted to be good for you and Teyla said that Fabius would teach me the ways of manly love."

"Oh, John," Rodney exclaimed. "I will teach you the ways of manly love. It's so special that you're a virgin to men."

Upon hearing Rodney's words John felt hope rush though his body for the first time in weeks. "Really, Rodney? You will really teach me in the way of manly love?"

"Of course! Now, we should probably call a senior staff meeting and inform everyone of our decision to enter into a manly relationship with each other. I know DADT will be a big hurdle, but if Elizabeth and Carson know they can help us out. Also, Carson is our doctor, he will probably figure it out anyway. And you don't have to worry about Lorne. He's been bottoming for Parrish for months. He'll be okay with it. And Stackhouse was totally having a torrid affair with Markham, he won't object. Elizabeth is doing Caldwell, and that probably a pretty big no no, so we can hold that over Caldwell's head if he ever decides to throw a fit, and even if he did? O'Neill wouldn't do anything about it. He's been screwing Jackson, Carter, and Teal'c for years. I think they even let Mitchell come in and play now. Besides, we're in another galaxy, I doubt DADT even applies." Rodney stopped talking and grabbed John's hand.

John couldn't believe how much information Rodney had about everyone on Atlantis. He really did love his snarky, resourceful, little physicist. "Wow, so this really could work, couldn't it Rodney?"

Rodney smiled his brightest smile at John, "Yes, John, it really could."

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