Archive: Ask first, please.
Disclaimer: All characters property of DC Comics, no infringement intended or money made by use.
NC-17 for adult material.
Background info: Over at the Bludhaven group and now on her own list, SKH has been posting a marvelous ongoing story entitled "Flux." In brief: the Titans handle an extremely dangerous mission, and in the process Nightwing is transgendered. And that's just where it begins.
You can find the story here: http://www.cranky-dog.com/gcff/index.htm.
This is *NOT* part of the official Flux storyline; it's just a scene I had in mind, and SKH graciously indulged my whim. Posted with her kind permission.
(At this point, Robbie has spent a few weeks in her new state, after every attempt to restore her has failed.)
I wasn't brave enough to do this in the 'cave, where anyone might wander in. Or even at the Tower, second home that it was, with the thought of my friends outside the door. It had to be here, my old bedroom, still my room. Bruce hadn't touched it since I'd moved out.
The room had a large mirror. I'd been avoiding looking into it too often, still startled by not seeing *myself.* My male self, I should say. I had to start...coming to terms with this. With me.
"All right, Robbie," I said, and the female voice almost didn't shock me this time, "let's start."
The first thing I needed was to get centered. I'd been anything but calm, and if I was going to make a new start here, today, that was essential. I climbed onto the bed and sat in the middle, yoga position, and tried to just breathe. Focus myself. The old familiar exercise helped some, though I noted this body--MY body, dammit, own up to it--wasn't able to hold as much air in my lungs. I kept breathing, trying to tune out the world.
Except...I was cheating. The best way to do this was naked, and I still had on sweatpants and a top. Okay, Grayson, no chickening out. I pulled the top off, shimmied out of the pants and underwear, and tried again. Better.
There was nothing in the world except the breath in my lungs, and cool air against my skin, and the feel of the comforter beneath me.
I opened my eyes.
The girl in the mirror looked calmly back at me.
She wasn't surprised to see herself, sitting lotus-style on the bed. She kept breathing rhythmically, not breaking stride. Still very calmly, she stretched out her legs and slid off the bed. Walked over to the mirror.
I looked at the girl in the mirror, and she looked back at me.
I raised my arms, stretching, and she raised hers in imitation. Strong body, I knew, even if it wasn't the strength I was used to. I leaned down to touch my toes. Flexible, that was good, at least I hadn't lost that.
I straightened. A lock of hair fell over her eye, and I brushed it back. I *looked* at her, really looked, and saw in double vision: This is a naked girl in my mirror. This is me.
*This* is me.
This *is* me.
This is *me.*
Maybe if I said it enough times, in enough different ways, I would start to believe it.
It was cold in the room. Her nipples stood at attention. I touched one with a careful fingertip.
Okay. Okay. This is part of me. Nipples as sensitive as my own male ones had been, only maybe even moreso, and--
And. Shit. I closed my eyes and ran through a calming mantra. No reason to lose your cool, Di-- Robbie, it's just a physiological reaction.
I knew the theory. Hell, I had the *practice,* in spades! But only from outside. This...was different.
Except that girl in the mirror wanted to know what her body could feel. All right. And shut UP, Roy, I don't want you in my head right now.
Gah. Very bad thought. *Don't* go there.
"Just you and me, babe," I said, and she grinned at me. Hey, if I'd kept my sense of humor, how bad could things be?
Nobody answer that.
I felt...nervous. Like the first time with a girl, with Lori back in college. But she taught me, and Kory taught me a lot more, and others after her. I *knew* this. Just a different perspective, right? A learning experience, even. If I ever got my real body back--
Clamp down on that thought before it spins out of control, and quit stalling.
Sensitive breasts. Good start. I ran my fingers over them, discovering what it felt like from this side. It sounds like bad sci-fi porno: man in woman's body cops a feel. It would have been funny if it wasn't *me.*
And--previous experience should come in handy, right? I licked my fingertip and stroked a nipple again. Y-yeah. Definitely makes a difference. And there's a sensitive spot underneath *here,* and another *here*....
Kinda...fun. Not as much as when I was on the other side, though. And I was stalling again. Don't think, just do.
I slid my hand down, exploring.
It felt good.
I wasn't sure I wanted to know this. She wanted to know more. I looked at the girl in the mirror again and then walked back over to the bed. Lay down.
I wasn't thinking of anything. Deliberately. Fantasizing was just too--weird. What was I supposed to be, now? My brain was still wired to "women." I wasn't ready to think about it. It was enough to concentrate on what my body was doing and feeling.
No thought. Just allow it to happen. Let the body do what feels good, because it knows best. And it did, this felt good, I knew by instinct what to do. How to touch.
Her-- my breath came faster. *Different* sensations, so very different, but still really-- intense--
My hand moved faster of its own volition. And I started to get scared. Not like I might stop, but because it was almost too much, too big, the sensations sweeping over me too powerful. I hadn't expected....
Well, why not? I liked sex as a guy, never made any secret about that, so why should that have changed?! The responses might be altered but this was still me...and oohhh....
Okay; male curiosity satisfied. Female curiosity...not even. Jeez. Recovery time, what recovery time, I wanted to feel that *again.*
I got up. The girl in the mirror--
My face was flushed. Breasts, too. I felt healthy, energetic--alive.
This is me, I thought again.
And considering the alternative, I'd take *alive* any day.