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This is - to date - my only Superman/Jimmy Olson bit. Inspired by the insane fun of Harley Quinn #18. (Not the best title, and very uneven, but that particular issue I would recommend to anyone with a taste for pure slapstick insanity. ) All you need to know is that Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy use the Bizarro duplicator to make a Bizarro Harlequin as a 'bride' for Bizarro-Superman.

Bad Day for a Black Wedding

by Darklady

Disclaimer: Of course Bizarro-Darklady own all characters. She just not write this story!

Pairing: Bizarro Superman/ Bizarro Jimmy Olsen

Rated: NC-71 (An age when you should be senile enough not to mind the tasteless and juvenile humor.)

Archive: Everybody want to. So - Not ask first!

Note: Was not inspired by Harley Quinn #18, because this is never what Darklady thinks should happen next. So you not go read that story to misunderstand this fic.

When bright flash of the Bizarro duplicator faded and the dancing spots before their vision started to clear, all five of the ... beings... turned to look at the new figure standing in their midst. While ragged and gray - as indeed were all the machine's creations - the delicate features and shock of carrot-red hair marked this Bizarro's origins beyond dispute.

The replica Superman spoke first. "Is Bizarro copy of my #1 Worst Enemy - Jimmy Olsen." He rushed forward, clasping the newly formed creature to his wide chest. "Imperfect Jimmy is horrible mate for Bizarro! We have bad sex and be miserable forever."

Bizarro-Jimmy returned the embrace, sliding his hands under the iron-hard arms. "Me so unhappy!" the younger man cried, dropping kisses on the thick column of chalk-colored neck that rose above the skin-tight blue uniform. "Me never want to bend over for skinny small cock of Bizarro-Superman."

Bizarro-Superman returned the kisses as his hands roamed down to clutch at the new Jimmy's ragged pants. "That bad, because me not want to fuck your loose sloppy asshole from here to Andromeda."

There was a long silence, in part because the two pale figures at the center of the room were stifling each other moans with eager lips - and in part because the more normal humans (to use that term loosely in regards to Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn) were too stunned to move or say anything at all.

Finally - just when the scene had become so bizarre that the true Jimmy Olsen felt compelled to say something , anything, Bizarro-Superman broke off the kiss.

"I not thank you, Dr. Chance." The huge white creature said solemnly. "This was terrible outcome. Even worse than copy of Harley Quinn. I not admire Jimmy Olsen long time, and not ever think to have sex with such ugly old boy."

"I not thank you too," Bizarro-Jimmy added, reaching out to shake the stunned scientist's hand. "Being hated boy toy of Bizarro #1 is fate worse than life!"

Poison Ivy looked at Dr. Chance. "I don't know that... you know who... was even gay?"

"Is not - either of us," the new Jimmy figure answered. "That is why we be so unhappy now and have frustrating sex life."

Bizarro-Superman pulled his new mate back into his arms. "You so mean and cruel, I not fly off with you to public place where I put on all your clothes."

"Is bad idea." Bizarro-Jimmy answered, leaning closer. "I not want to go somewhere private and hump like bunnies. Then I not want big fancy wedding."

"Maybe Vegas?" Poison Ivy offered, raising a doubtful eyebrow at the pair. "I don't think Metropolis does... umm... Bizarro weddings."

Harley Quinn looked over at Isley. "I don't think Vegas does either. Not for two guys."

"Then Las Vegas we not go to!" Bizarro-Superman pealed off his cape, wrapping it securely around his newly created companion. "Jimmy wear white, because I make sure he not be virgin."

"That is terrible idea," Bizarro Jimmy giggled. "It makes me so cold I not want to suck hated boyfriends limp ugly organ until Bizarro not scream completely silent."

Bizarro-Superman swept the newly minted Jimmy up into his huge arms. "Go away and don't kiss me!"

Lifting slowly towards the skylight, Bizarro-Superman added. "Harley Quinn - I hate you for life for giving me ugly bride."

"Hate you too, Bizarro." Quinn grinned as she waved at the departing couple. "Hope you are both really unhappy together."

"Worst Enemy real Jimmy?" Bizarro-Superman called down. "Never ask me for any favors ever again, because I not owe you anything."

"I'll remember..." Jimmy Olsen swallowed suddenly. "I mean, I'll forget that."

With a swoosh of air and a shattering of glass, Bizarro Superman and his newly created 'bride' were 'up, up, and away'.

Before anyone could move say another word another, and to Olsen more welcome, blue and red figure swooped in to take is place. Jimmy Olsen - the real Jimmy Olsen - looked up as the real Superman landed on the spot his Bizarro clone had just vacated.

"Forget this?" Jimmy shook his head. "I wish to hell I could."


For the benefit of those who do not speak Bizarro, all characters in this story are the creation and property of DC Comics. They are used here for satiric effect, and no commercial infringement is intended. The story is KKR 2002

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