Intangible (Jo's Song for Tinya)
OR
A Lovesick Ultra Boy Is NO Fun!
To the Tune of: "Unforgettable" by Nat "King" Cole

Oh, you're intangible, that's what you are
So intangible, though near or far!
Like the cactus that I gave to you
Is the lust for you that stays with me
Never before
Has someone been more

Intangible, what can I say?
And further more, that's how you stay
That's why, honey, it's so horrible
That, yes, you're so adorable!
Why aren't I
Intangible too?

No, never before
Has someone been more
Intangible, in every way
Oh, I could cry, I'll just pine away
That's why, darling, it's deplorable
That you're unexplorable
Why aren't I
Intangible too?

SPIFFY DISCLAIMER THINGIE!

First of all, no Ah don't really see Dirk like this so all ya'll Sun Boy fans put down those flame throwers:):). Second, this is rated PG-17 for language, so beware! If'n such like words offend ya'll ... bail out now:):). Apologies in advance to anyone this might discomfort.

Cat House Whizzer
To The Tune of: "Pinball Wizard" by The Who!

Ever since I was a young boy
I've laid the Ladies all!
From Winath down to Titan,
I must have made them all!
But I ain't seen nothing like him in any whorehouse ya'll!
That damned Legionnaire Sun Boy
He sure does like to ball!

He picks his partner out
Oh, the girls all wait in line
Smiling at the Ladies
Always gives a sign
He woos by intuition
Their hearts and bodies fall
That damned Legion menace Sun Boy
He sure does like to ball!

He's a Cathouse Whizzer
He's always got his pick
A cathouse Whizzer
S'got such a supple d***!!

How do you think he does it?
I don't know!
What makes him so good?

Ain't got no inhibitions
He don't hear those moans that knell
He can't see those pheromones now
F***'s by sense of smell!

Always gets a freebie
Never tires a'tall!
That damned Legionnaire Sun Boy
He sure does like to ball!

I thought I was
The bordello crawling King!
But I just handed my cathouse Crown to him!

Even at my usual cathouse
He can beat my best!
Oh, his friends all cheer him on!
And he just does the rest!
He's got wicked tongue and fingers
For which the Ladies call:
That damned Legion Menace Sun Boy
He sure does like to ball!

Splitter's Dirge
OR
The Arms Fall Off Boy Lament
To The Tune Of: "I Fall To Pieces" by Patsy Cline

I fall to pieces, each time that danger is near
I fall to pieces! How can I be a Legionnaire?
You want me to fight but I'm really scared
You seem to forget, pretend I'm not upset
And I've tried
And I've cried
But I haven't yet
Villains walk by
And I fall to pieces!

I fall to pieces, each time I hear Mordru's name
I fall to pieces! Time only adds to the shame
You say not to whine, pull myself together
That's why I'm so blue, 'cause we're fighting Mordru
And each time
I find courage anew
He walks by
And I fall to pieces!

The Old Levitz Legion
To The Tune Of: "The Song Of The Temperance Union"

We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band
For good story values we're taking our stand
We don't like the ReBoot because it is bad -
We want the same future that we've always had!

CHORUS
Levitz, Levitz's the best Legion!
The best Legion, the best Legion,
Levitz, Levitz's the best Legion
That's the song of the Old Levitz Legion!

We do not like Giffen or Shooters named Jim
Abnett and Laning or any of them
Oh, can you imagine a fouler sin -
Than comics book heroes who don't always win??

REPEAT CHORUS

We do not like Jeff Moy, his style is too cute
With Tom Peyer writing the plot becomes moot
Oh, can you imagine more reason to weep -
Than plots that are well paced and way, way too deep?

REPEAT CHORUS

We do not like Sensor, she's not our Princess
Her origin's stretchy, her Family's a mess
Oh, can you imagine a nastier break -
Than our sexy Jeckie transformed to a snake!

REPEAT CHORUS

We do not like v4 because it is dumb
There's no sense of wonder; it's cheerless and glum
It' silly and icky and real boring, too -
We've never read any but we know it's true!

REPEAT CHORUS

Hung Over Legionnaire (A Mon-El/Phantom Girl Duet)
To The Tune Of: "The Teddy's Bear's Picnic"

MON-EL:
If you go out in the streets today, you'd better not go alone!
Do not go out in the streets today, it's safer to stay at home!
The least excuse that ever there was today will mean a challenge because

From drinking last night Ultra Boy he is quite ... hungover

BOTH:
Hungover Rimborian! Things could get gory and,
He's certainly not himself today!
If you see him better run
'Cause you'll get squashed if you get in his way!
His girl's become a spooky ghost, upset him and you're toast
You'd better not come too near!
You future folk who value your lives better stay at home today
'Cause Jo Nah's hungover out to HERE!

So ...

PHANTOM GIRL:
If you go out on the streets today, you better go in a bunch
There's lots of pleasanter ways to die than be fried to a crackly crunch!
You will discover my Legionnaire lover is quite a threat, best head for cover
For Jo Nah is quite prepared for a fight
He'd like to pound you into the ground
You'd best beware! You'd better take care!
His head and brain in TERRIBLE pain
From "Aleing" last night Ultra Boy he is quite ... hungover!

LEADFINGERS LITES
To The Tune Of: "The Boxer" by Simon And Garfunkel

Oh, I am Leadfingers Lites
And my story's seldom told!
Yes, I massacre filk music
With three feet of fretted shitboard and a capo!
I take requests!
And I do the ones with just two chords and disregard the rest!

CHORUS
Lie, lie, lie! ETC!!

Asking Silver Ale and applause I go looking for a gig!
But I get no offers!
Just a come on from Sun Boy
Down at the Legion HQ!
I do declare
There were times when I was so desperate
I stole some lyrics there!

CHORUS
Lay, lay, lay! ETC!!

Now, I am just a scribbler
And my friends all say to me
I have squandered my resources
On my songs so filled with laughter
Such are Parodies!
All lies in jest
The Legion is my inspiration
Yes, Mon-El and the rest!

CHORUS
Hey, hey, hey! ETC!

Brainy!
To The Tune Of: "Alma" by Tom Lehr

The sexiest man in the Legion
Was Brainy the smartest as well
Oh, once he sauntered into your region
You'd never be free of his spell!

His lovers were many and varied
He was well known for venting his spleen
There were three teammates with whom he tarried
And God know how many between!

CHORUS
Oh, Brainy, tell us
All Legionnaires they are jealous
Just how did your lech for blondes
Get you Kara and Laurel and Rond?

The first one he harried was Kara
Whose girlfriends all knew her as Linda
She made him cry out in ter-rah
"I'm sad for I know how you'll end-a!"

Their romance, however, had one woe
He'd scream and then shout at Earthgov
"Oh, I'm busy building Computo ...
And she only wants to make love!"

Oh, Brainy, tell us
All Legionnaires they are jealous
Tell us what made you so fond
Oh, of Kara and Laurel and Rond!

In the Gap he seemed smitten with Laurel
His lust for her made quite a drama.
Now this story can have but one moral
Why, Brainy he just wants his Mama!

Oh, Brainy, tell us,
All Legionnaires they are jealous
Which of your mathematical bonds
Got you Kara and Laurel and Rond?

Researching time he met Rond Vidar
And soon he did fall for him pell mell.
Rond died and his teardrops he could not bar
So who knew that Rond was a GL??

And that is the story of Brainy
Who loved not too often but quite well
Love tended to drive him insan-y
And surely did make his life Hell!

Oh, Brainy, tell us,
How can they help being jealous?
Waving your twelfth level intellectual wand
Got you Kara and Laurel and Rond!

The Firebird
Or Tasmia's Song
To The Tune Of: "The Tarbird" by Greg Haggland

She wooed and won him on Talok VIII
In the whirlwind love of the young
And she took him back to her home land
To hear the Firebird's song!

He loved the depths of open space!
And the wonders waiting there ...
The peace he sought in deepest space
He found there in her arms!

Firebird call my love back home
Call him back to me
There's no other man who can fill my heart
There's no other man for me!

He heard her not, for he had died
In battle dread; blood and tears were shed
And, when she was told, the Firebird sang
In the Abby where she fled!

Heroes live and heroes die
Far away from home
And their love ones cry and curse the sky ...
For a hero's soul must roam ...

Garth
To the tune of: "Beth" by Kiss

Garth, I hear you calling
But I can't come home just now
Querl and I are planning
And we just can't stop right now

CHORUS:
Just a few more hours
And I'll be right home to you
I think I hear him calling
Oh, Garth, what can I do?
Garth, what can I do?

You say you feel so useless
That our quarters aren't a home
I'm always somewhere else
And you're always there alone

REPEAT CHORUS

Garth, I know you're lonely
And I hope you'll be alright
Cause Querl and I will be planning ...
All night ...

Jo Nah
To The Tune of: "Maria" from The Sound of Music

IMRA: While flying free, he scrapes his knee;
His pants have got a tear!
He curses and says things like, "Nass!"
And whistles everywhere!
And underneath his costume ...
He has waaay too much chest hair!
I've even heard him humming on Shanghalla!
GARTH: He's always late for missions -
SHADOW LASS: But his help is very real!
GARTH: He's always late for everything -
Except for every meal!
I hate to have to say it,
But I very firmly feel:
That Jo is not an asset to the Legion!

MON-EL: I'd like to say a word in his behalf:
Jo, he makes me laugh!

LEGION CHORUS: How do you solve a problem like
our Jo Nah?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means our Jo Nah?
A Rimborian oaf! A Legionnaire! A clown?

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him;
Many a thing he ought to understand;
But how do you make him stay,
And listen to all you say?
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Jo Nah?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

PHANTOM GIRL: When I'm with him I'm confused,
Deep in love and so bemused!
And I never know exactly where I am!
IMRA: Less predictable than weather -
He's as flighty as a feather!
SHADOW LASS: He's a darling!
IMRA: He's a dullard!
PHANTOM GIRL: He's a hunk!

GARTH: He'd out pester any pest ...
Drive a rilyah from its nest!
He could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl!
PHANTOM GIRL: He's heroic!
IMRA: He is wild!
GARTH: He's a rough neck!
SHADOW LASS: He's a child!
IRMA: He is stupid!
MON-EL:: He's a hero!
PHANTOM GIRL: He's a guy!

LEGION CHORUS: How do you solve a problem like
our Jo Nah?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means our Jo Nah?
A Rimborian oaf! A Legionnaire! A clown?
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him;
Many a thing he ought to understand;
But how do you make him stay,
And listen to all you say?
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Jo Nah?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

The End!