While You Were Out
"*Uh*-oh. I know that look."
"Look? What look?"
"The look that says, 'I'm keeping secrets from Linda because I don't want to upset her.'"
"Secrets? Me? No, I was just--ah, wondering if the Watchtower has been blown up since we left--"
"Wally--remember the last time you decided not to tell me something important? And the time before that? And the half-dozen times before *that*?
"All right, all right, I get the--"
"And remember how I said I'd murder you if you ever did that to me again?"
"Besides, somehow when you pull this it always turns into a crisis, and I've really had enough of those for a while. So just for once, can you tell me about it before the screaming and explosions start?"
"It's really not that kind of--"
"Wally. Out with it."
"While you were gone...I...ah...did something. Or...actually...some*one*."
"Um, on second thought, this isn't very important after all..."
"Too late. You had SEX? With someone who wasn't me?"
"You were being held captive outside of time, Linda, it would have been a little difficult."
"My point exactly. I'd been kidnapped by a insane supervillain--who didn't have anything against *me*, mind you, he just wanted to mess with *you*--erased from the memories of everyone in the world--and that's going to be a *major* headache to straighten out at work, by the way--and held prisoner in a cage in some bizarre magical dimension while he cackled and gloated at me--and I had to get out of it all by myself, with no help from *you*. And while I was going through all that, *you* were having *sex*?!"
"Linda, I didn't *remember* you! I'd completely forgotten you! I didn't even know you *existed*!"
"...this isn't helping my mood, Wally..."
"Sorry. But you can see my point, right?"
"Well...I guess I can't blame you...much... Who was it?"
"Uh...do we really have to get into details?"
"Wally, when my boyfriend sleeps with another woman, I want details.:::pause::: Well, no, I don't want details. But I do want names. *Who*?"
"Okay, we'll do Twenty Questions. Was it that Margolin woman? She *is* in love with you..."
"Not with *me*! It's my evil twin she wants--well, maybe not evil...you know what I mean. The me from another universe."
"Ah yes. Mystical kidnappings, being reduced to a phantom, and dealing with alternate-universe doppelgangers. All in a day for the Flash's girlfriend. I should have taken up with an accountant..."
"Want me to go back to school? I could use a break myself..."
"...that's sweet. A complete and total lie, but sweet. But it's not going to get you off the hook. Angela Margolin?"
"She might be sleeping with *a* Wally, but it isn't me."
"No--hey, I never told you about her..."
"I'm a reporter, I have my sources. Was--"
"Look, it wasn't any of my old girlfriends."
"Well, that *does* narrow it down...a lot... Jesse Quick?"
"Jesse wouldn't touch me at gunpoint."
"I won't ask how you know that. Lady Flash?"
"*Christina*? She's a villain! She's psychotic!"
"Didn't stop your friend Roy..."
"Hey, Roy'll sleep with *anyone*."
"Is that a no?"
"No, I did *not* sleep with Christina."
"Good. So who *did* you sleep with?"
"...maybe I should have said Christina..."
"You didn't, maybe, have some sort of...roster change while I was gone?"
"So this is the one you can't stand? The one you call Crabface? The one who's a *guy*?"
"Um. Yeah. I guess."
"You guess? You're not sure if he's a guy?"
"...no, I'm pretty clear on that..."
"You're not sure if you had sex?"
"Only once, I swear. Well, okay, two or three times, but it was all one occasion..."
"That's more information than I really needed..."
"So--you *definitely* had sex with your teammate. Who is a guy."
"Wally...is there something you want to tell me? ...not that there'sanything wrong with that..."
"*No*! I'm *straight*!"
"Wally...straight men don't have sex with other men. I'm fairly sure that's in the definition."
"Sorry. Those are the rules."
"It was just once!"
"Hey, once is all it takes."
"Okay. Okay. So I'm...um..."
"The word you're looking for is 'bisexual.'
"Hey, buster, you're the one who was out sleeping with sexy young men--"
"*Man*! *One* man! One fifteen-minute quickie in a closet!"
"A *closet*? This just gets better and better..."
"Well, we weren't exactly planning on it, and there isn't much private space in the Watchtower--hey. What do you mean, 'sexy'?"
"Keep up with the tour, speed-boy. *You* slept with him. *I* am the one who gets to be jealous."
"I repeat. You are the one sleeping with sexy young men in spandex. How do you *expect* me to react?"
"You don't get upset about Piper!"
"That might be because I'm not *dating* Piper. Although he's looking better all the time."
"Your house is awfully damn glassy for you to be throwing stones there..."
"I didn't--I just meant he wouldn't be interested, all right?"
"...Linda. You really have to ask that?"
"I don't know! I thought I *knew* you, Wally. I thought you were an adult. I thought you were someone I could love, depend on, spend the rest of my life with-- But then I get back and I find out you've been tearing up the sheets with random superheroes, *male* superheroes--Christ, you don't even really *like* him! I thought you'd gotten over letting your hormones lead you anywhere they damn well pleased! *Closets*, Wally! What *possessed* you?"
"...you *really* want to know?"
"I was lonely."
"...dammit, don't give me those puppy-dog eyes..."
"I was lonely, and I didn't even know why. I just felt like something was missing--like there was an empty place inside me, and I didn't know what was supposed to be there. So I did something stupid because anything was better than the emptiness."
"Wally...oh, the heck with it. I missed you too... C'mere...yeah, like that...
":::slightly muffled::: Also, I needed to get laid."
"You're ruining the moment, West..."
"Sorry. Can I make it up to you?"
"Mmm, maybe...but it better be good."
"Hon, it'll be *fantastic*..."
"All yours. I promise."
"You better. Now, shut up and kiss me..."